As a follow-up to yesterday’s post, I realize that, while it was beautiful, fun to write and filled with lofty, amazing goals, that’s still what those statements are for me: Goals, or things I need to really work on believing about myself. So as I re-read and examine portions of Women, Food and God, a book I’m hoping will turn out to be quite helpful to me in the discovery of my true self and my personal story, I am hit with a barrage of thoughts about myself that I assume to be true.
These are the negative beliefs that I need to turn around into the positive statements from yesterday’s post:
I am a quitter. I quit playing volleyball my senior year of high school. I was a senior quitter! I quit swimming, basketball and cheerleading, too. And eventually, I quit every “diet” I try, too. The South Beach Diet, Weight Watchers, the Flat-Belly Diet, the blood type diet — let’s not even bring up the Dukan Diet. Which brings me to my next point:
I am a yo-yo dieter. The song goes something like this: “I’ll start tomorrow. Okay, just this once. It’s a special occasion! It’s my birthday! We’re eating out! You’ve got to try this. It’s homemade! Otherwise it’ll spoil. It’s here, and I can’t resist the temptation. My diet starts Monday.” It’s an endless, stupid, emotional pain–inducing cycle.
I will never be as thin as I want to be — with that muscular, sinewy look that Madonna has. Cut. Ripped. Like I spend my life training, not eating. That’s not me. I can never be that, and thus I’ll never be happy. Having that body is as elusive as winning the lottery.
I have no discipline. Willpower is not in my vocabulary. I cannot be left alone with a plate of brownies, cookies, chocolate bars or pastries. I cannot resist. Cannot. Resist. I will overeat each and every time. There’s no hope for people like me unless the world runs out of sugar.
I cannot be all I want to be when it comes to diet and fitness. I cannot do all I want to do. I can’t eat whatever I want, I can’t want what’s healthy, and I can’t run far enough, fast enough or enough at all. I’m no health nut. I talk the talk, but I can’t walk the walk.
I know what’s best for me, but the moment I define it, the moment I identify that, I run from it. I rebel against all that is good, pure and natural in the world, and instead of creating peace I just create more internal discord and strife. I self sabotage, and I have no idea why.
I have no support. I have to go through all of this on my own, in my head, without anyone to cheer me on along the way. No one cares, no one “gets” it, and I don’t get why I can’t just shut up about it already. Don’t I have better, more important things to do with my time?
As you can see, there is a WORLD of difference between these statements — beliefs, really — and the positive affirmations from yesterday. And although I’ve mentioned a million times that I know the key to all this is to love and accept yourself for who you are first, that’s not so easy. In fact, I have no idea where to start and how to do that, actually, and I’ve never stopped to look past that statement and figure out how.
So this will be the dawn of a new era for me. I smiled at myself in the mirror this morning. I’m trying to think of the amazing, heart-filling, bursting, exploding, shining love I feel for my son and how I can love myself in the same way. I’m told it’s like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow — it will change my life, it will bring me joy and happiness, it will bring me wealth and abundance in all areas.
I think that’s worth striving for — with conscious thought, prayer and intention.